i jhust puked up my retainher.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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