What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
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I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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