I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
