At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
