I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
