you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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