i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
