I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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