Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
