My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
