He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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