You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
