oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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