After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Found your dick twin last night
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
