Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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