Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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