So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos