Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel