My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
