So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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