Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
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My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
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If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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