the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
