just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
