why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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