Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
