I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I think i got beer on your cat.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
