I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
