He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
