Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
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His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
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Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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