I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
