Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
