I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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