chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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