LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
