My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
what day is it and did you see me today?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
