when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
