You're my little dorito
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
