Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
