This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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