I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
