Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
