i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
