i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
