I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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