Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
