If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
