I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
