Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
