Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
