my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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