TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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