Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
