You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
