The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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