I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
