I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.