Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
