I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"