omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
