omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
